Serving Santa: The Pitch’s 2023 holiday gift guide

Art by Cassondra Jones

Nowadays, it feels like years are composed of more than one year. 2023? That had at least four years of stuff in it, judging by the standards of, say, 2014. We’ve all simply been through too much. Do we all deserve a little reward for making it? Yes, we do. We can partake in some holiday gift-giving—and a bit of personal retail therapy. 

For this year’s gift guide, we tried something a bit outside the box. Your pals at The Pitch have not only done the usual work of bringing together some of the highest quality, most delightful, totally KC local shopping options—but now it’s organized into a handy guide by personality type. Look, there’s nothing on these pages that we wouldn’t want to stuff in our own stockings, but there are just certain folks who are, traditionally, hard to find a proper and thoughtful gift for.

In the following pages, our helpful Pitch gift goblins from the Westport Pole will lay out all the options for local holiday generosity so no one just gets “stuff” for stuff’s sake as we head into 2024.

[Apologies for spoilers to everyone in our direct personal orbit, and sorry in advance if you realize you’ve always been “The Sensitive Boyfriend Type.”]

For baddies, daddies, and zaddies… // Art by Cassondra Jones

For daddies, zaddies, and baddies

The Woman in Me by Britney Spears
Wise Blood Booksellers
$32.99
It’s Britney, bitch. What more do we need to say?

Lil Stabby Necklace
Donna’s Dress Shop
$32
A fully-functioning tiny pocket knife that can open mail, cut fruit, and get more compliments than your fanciest engagement ring.

Baby Bullet Harness
Red Hare Leather
$140
A multi-purpose, gender-neutral chest harness that’s hot AF and promotes better posture.

Heal Tattoo Aftercare
Vaughn Ara
$12
Herbal-infused and all-natural tattoo salve made by a fellow baddie.

PRO Handmade Felt Banner
Fetch KCMO
$40
Frame it, fly it, hang it on your front door for a message that says: “No shame here.”

Sex Kitten Dress
Love from 1969
$69
This comfy but saucy dress can be glammed up or toned down while highlighting anyone’s best features.

Paris: The Memoir (Hardcover) by Paris Hilton
Rainy Day Books
$30
An easily digestible and profound read for all the unassuming, brilliant entrepreneurs out there.

For the serial hobbyist. // Art by Cassondra Jones

For the serial hobbyist

JHS 3 Series Delay Pedal
Big Dudes Music City
$99
A solid, hand-built delay pedal for players who like to hear themselves talk. 

Girl Sean Malto Arrow Head OG Deck (White)
Escapist Skateboarding
$65
A Chiefs-inspired deck from a local skateboarding hero.

Fairy Garden Craft Kit
Scraps KC
$10-$110
Fabricate a field of flora and fauna for your favorite fantasy forest friends.**Gift Goblin approved**

Beginning Wheel Pottery Class (4-week)
Belger Arts
$175
Learn how to throw pots like a ceramics TikTok influencer. 

KC Map Puzzle by Kansas City Puzzle Co.
Made in KC
$35
Have busy hands? This intricate 1,000-piece exploration of the city should help entertain.

Gifties for Swifties. // Art by Cassondra Jones

Gifties for Swifties

Swelce Candle
Fetch
$16
Smells like a lot of Taylor Swift references that you may not fully understand but are still worth worshipping.

BELLBOY | Red Zone (Taylor’s Version) Crew Neck
Westside Storey
$58
Karma is a cozy sweatshirt featuring the hottest couple of the year doing what they do best.

1989: Taylor’s Version (2 LP) by Taylor Swift
Records With Merritt
$39.98
They probably already have this, but a backup never hurts. Maybe the first will wear out from play, or maybe this will be kept as a collector’s item.

Klassic Sweatpant (Sand)
Tru Kolors
$89
Support Daddy’s side biz.

Travis Kelce Nike Game Jersey (Red)
Kansas City Chiefs
$129.99
87 + 13 = 100% Swelce fandom.

For the one who swiped right… // Art by Cassondra Jones

For the one who swiped right

Custom Engagement Ring
Waldo Jewelers
$ Varies
A gift that will make them say: “Holy shit, is this really happening?”

Seasonal Floral Bouquet
Bergamot & Ivy
Starts at $70
Woo your boo with a one-of-a-kind floral arrangement from a genuine lilac master.

Couple’s Photoshoot
Defie Photography
$ Varies
A photoshoot that shows off the best of your relationship dynamics, be it steamy, homey, comfortable, or confident—it’s unmistakably you. 

For pet people. // Art by Cassondra Jones

For pet people

CBD Doggy Nugs
American Shaman
$39.99
A treat that lets our furry friends join in on the mellow.

Annual Membership (Kansas City)
Bar K
$250/year
Treat your canine-obsessed friend to a glorified dog park rom-com tryst. (John Cusack not included.)

Christmas To-Do List Shirt
Unleashed Pet Rescue and Adoption
$25
Everyone loves a good list, especially when you can wear it. Check boxes and contribute to an honorable cause.

Sponsor a Kitty
Whiskers Cat Cafe
$50
Adopt a cat without adopting a cat. 

Teal & Red KC Heart Collar
Charlie Hustle
$28
Even pets can support the hottest new team in women’s professional sports.

<3 For the sensitive boyfriend <3 // Art by Cassondra Jones

<3 For the sensitive boyfriend <3

“I Am Kenough” T-shirt
Raygun
$24.95
For those low-Kenergy days. It’s like wearing their heart on their sleeve. (Is Emo Barbie a thing? It should be a thing.)

Feminism is for Everybody by bell hooks
Raven Book Store
$41.94
The catch is to actually read it—not just have it strategically placed on a coffee table or display shelf.

Hot Tub Soak & Sauna
Mud & Lotus
$55/one hour
Wanna get naked and slide into a mineral bath? Let your boo decompress in Lawrence’s outdoor cedar soaking tub destination. Join them, or don’t.

Javelin by Sufjan Stevens (Lemonade Colored Vinyl)
Josey Records
$28.99
It’s actually a really, really good album. You might wanna gift a box of tissues as well.

Branded Crossbody
West Bottoms Plant Co.
$45
A great boyfriend doesn’t rely on their partner to carry everything. They share the load with a neutral crossbody bag. This one happens to support a local, queer-owned business and highlights their love of plants. (P.S. There’s a matching hat, too!)

For the one getting their shit together (for real this time) // Art by Cassondra Jones

For the one getting their shit together (for real this time) 

Tropical Plant
Jungle House
$ Varies
Cleaner air, clearer goals… or something like that. Pick out a cute pot that is so them, and take it up another notch by adding in a charm or climbing stake that shows you know their vibe.

1 Hour Float (+ massage chair)
Floating KC
$75
The gift of recentering. Make it even more special by offering to drive, then treat them to a local tea and pastry afterward.

Hair Transformation
Moxie By KC
$25-$300
A fresh start with a fresh ‘do. Treat your pal to a luxury salon experience for a boost in confidence to help crush those goals. 

The Five Minute Journal
Paper Source
$30
Keep your head on straight while also setting goals and aspirations within five minutes. Through the help of positive psychology, you can take advantage of what life throws at you one word at a time.

‘Everything is Fine’ Hat
Normal Human
$34
Because, at some point, we’re all just pretending.

For fancy-schmancy friends (or mothers-in-law) // Art by Cassondra Jones

For fancy-schmancy friends (or mothers-in-law)

Bath Gel
SKiN
$20
Rub-a-dub-dub. Choose from Naked, Peppermint, or Sweet Orange shower gel and get that tub a-bubblin’.

Kansas City Gift Box
Shop Local KC
$60
This box has a lil sum-sum of everything for local KC touches throughout the home.

Wine Club
Underdog Wine Co.
$35-120/month
Underdog Wine Co. in the Crestwood Shops offers an intimate imbibement experience. The wine club is a gift that keeps on giving—specifically, recurring deliveries of small-batch vinos for chill nights and playful brunches.

Art (Prints or Originals)
Tayler Cook
$25-500
With rich acrylics, Tayler captures the whimsy of feminine luxury with an edge. This is a fabulous gift for a funky home office, maximalist gallery wall, or bachelorette bar cart.

Duet Bracelet
Sierra Winter Jewelry
$129
This duo-tone bracelet goes with anything. Every time they wear it, they’ll think of you. Wow, so generous and thoughtful. You’re such a good person. Go you.

For the one who “isn’t into material things”

Unplugged Weekend
Getaway House
$102+/night
Go off the grid, but, like, in a cute way. A relaxing two-hour drive from downtown lands you outside of Osceola, MO, where minimalist cabins with private fireplaces await you for an intimate getaway.

Dividing Lines Tour
Race Project KC
$0
Costing nothing but gas, this is a gift of quality time and perspective. The free self-guided driving tour focuses on the history and modern implications of redlining in Kansas City.

Escape Room
Breakout KC
$144/group
A great form of bonding while trying to maneuver through the nooks and crannies that hold you hostage. Although, we cannot guarantee that you won’t want to escape your companions as well after being trapped in a room with them for an hour. Choose guests wisely?

KC Gangster Tour
Kansas City Transportation Group
$35
A 90-minute tour through some of Kansas City’s previously mob-infested areas. From houses to hangouts, the tour offers Citians a new lens into the metro’s history. 

Urban Hike
Urban Hikes KC
$38
Quality time in the great outdoors—no road trip or equipment required! Grab an easy gift card or book a hike for you and your pal to get to know your favorite or new-to-you neighborhoods on foot. 

Rage Room (Premium Bag)
Rage! KC
$45
Arguably one of the most effective ways to let off some of that steam that’s been building up all year.

Yes, chef. // Art by Cassondra Jones

Yes, chef: Gifts for the foodie who can’t wait for season 3 of The Bear

Sexy Six Pack BBQ rubs & sauces
Spice Bandit
$49.80
Need to spice things up? Customize your local flavor picks for your foodie friend to zhuzh meats, cocktails, and more.

WÜSTHOF Classic 7” Santoku Knife, Hollow Edge
Pryde’s Kitchen & Necessities
$170
A knife is a chef’s best friend. But you know what they say… it’s not the size that matters.

Assorted Cooking Classes
The Culinary Center of Kansas City
$ Varies
Go beyond boxed mac and cheese. A surefire way to impress someone is knowing how to cook.

Red Honey
Chamoy Boi
$ TBA
A little sweet, a little tangy, a little spicy. Do yourself a favor, and just put it on everything. At least once.

Custom Pasta Order
Zero Zero Handmade Pasta
$ Varies
Take credit for this fresh, expert pasta. Or don’t. We’re not Santa—we won’t judge. Bring a sample dish to your holiday gathering, then level up your White Elephant gift with a beautifully wrapped pasta-and-sauce combo.

For the one with a “Chiefs cave” // Art by Cassondra Jones

For the one with a “Chiefs cave” 

To-Go Beer Packs
BKS Brewing
$20
Feeling generous? Splurge for the good stuff. Pre-order pints of your favorite craft beer for the perfect tailgate with your pals! 

Sunday Funday Candle
Effing Candle Co.
$44
Smells like a Chief’s victory and Midwestern pride. Light this for good vibes and luck on game day. (And maybe to counteract the musk of spilled beer and cheeseball dust. Unless you’re into that kind of thing.)

The 87 Era Wagyu Beef Bundle
KC Cattle Company
$87
Ever heard of Wagyu beef being delivered to your door? Neither had we. What’s better is the assortment of uncured hot dogs, summer sausage, bacon cheeseburger bratwursts, and ground beef this top-notch package includes.

Kingdom Quarterback by Mark Dent and Rustin Dodd
Penguin Random House
$30
Sports fans read, too. While we prefer independent publishers, football fans can look to the Big 5 for a deep dive into Chiefs history and its impact on KC as a whole in the latest book by Mark Dent and Rustin Dodd. 

For the crunchy granola guys, gals, and pals // Art by Cassondra Jones

For the crunchy granola guys, gals, and pals

TRUNK TECH Hammock
Sunflower Outdoor and Bike
$60
A reliable camping hammock for those earthy festival folks. Bonaroo is right around the corner. 

Lion’s Mane Grow Kit
MyCo Planet
$25-$35
You’ve probably heard that mushrooms promote good juju, or maybe that it’s just a bunch of woo-woo. But why not both? It’s called the brain mushroom for a reason. With a name like Lion’s Mane, we can’t help but trust it. (Bonus: Your foodie friends can cook with it!)

Goat Milk Soap
Two Heifers Home Goods
$6
Made with goat’s milk, jojoba oil, essential oils, and dried herbs for those who prefer natural self-care products and want to support local artisans. 

Gift Card
Virgil’s Plant Shop
$20+
Help your friends and family make their indoors more like the outdoors. A gift card from Virgil’s Plant Shop will let them pick their new leafy friends, taking the stress away from you.

For the one who always dresses like a tourist // Art by Cassondra Jones

For the one who dresses like a tourist 

Vintage Grey KC Heart Hoodie
Charlie Hustle
$72
An icon in its own right. This beyond-soft tee is a staple in Kansas Citians’ wardrobes. In fact, you might as well gift them a matching mug. 

Bunker Unisex KCMO Tee (Navy Triblend)
The Bunker
$32
Back in our day, The Bunker was the go-to spot for brand-name streetwear (R.I.P. shoe basement). If you pop in, you’ll notice their original designs are still going strong, especially when it comes to sporting some Fountain City paraphernalia.

Signature KC Dad Hat (Black Denim)
Made Mobb
$35
Suggesting notions from cool dad to Midwest casual to this hat just goes with everything—it’s an accessory ideal for those who want to showcase KC pride without committing to a sports team, school, or landmark.

KC Monarch Snapback Hat (Red)
KCK Legends
$30
Paying homage to KC’s historic Negro Leagues team, this is perfect for the true baseball aficionado (and historian) in your life. 

KC Western Auto Watercolor Print
Carly Rae Studios
$20+
For the friend who really loves our city and probably takes nightly joy rides down Grand Blvd. 

Bremlin. // Art by Cassondra Jones

For those with kids in their orbit

Premier Family Membership
Kansas City Zoo & Aquarium
$260/year (discounts & payment plans available)
Here’s their chance to go hang out with the penguins while they eat Dippin’ Dots.

The Rabbit hOle Membership
The Rabbit hOle
$200/year (family of 4), $500/year (family of 8)
A first-of-its-kind interactive children’s literary museum, the Rabbit hOle is perfect for those with kids who value family time over screen time. Doors open March 12, 2023, but you can grab a membership just in time for the holidays.

Pogo Pass
Pogo Pass (Kansas City)
$99.98
Bad at making decisions? This broad pass grants the owner one visit to many of KC’s favorite family-friendly attractions, including Science City, Wonderscope, Negro Leagues Baseball Museum, KC Mavericks, and more.

Crayon Name
Crayon Letters KC
$3/letter
Get the kiddo in your life some custom crayons in the shape of their name. Include glitter, favorite colors, or go for a full rainbow spread.

For the one always training for a marathon

Rock Climbing Gym Gift Card
RoKC Underground
$20-$200
For the athlete in need of a new challenge.

Gift Card
Lifestyle Massage and Bodywork
$65-$300
Training is hard work. Treat your road warrior to recovery at the facility voted by Pitch readers as “Best Massage Clinic” in 2023.

KOM Bike Short
Prairie Sailor
$59.99
For the bestie who spends their Fridays riding in Critical Mass—even when it’s 100 degrees out.

Custom Bike Bag
Andrew the Maker
$ Varies
A place for your friend to store their valuables while riding in Critical Mass.

KC Marathon Gear
Garmin Kansas City Marathon
$ Varies
Gloves, and tumblers, and t-shirts. Oh my. Stock up for the friend who’s up at 4 a.m. training for KC’s biggest on-foot race that’s… almost a whole year from now.